He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
