You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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