i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
