I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
