I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
