Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
