So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
