dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
