We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
