so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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