did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
