Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
