Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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