Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
