I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
