Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
