obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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