I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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