I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My vagina just recognized that song.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
