11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
