Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
