I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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