You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
