I can text with my tongue
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
