I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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