I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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