genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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