I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
