the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dignity is for republicans.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
