I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
