Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
