i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
