Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
