then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
