My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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