so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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