it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize