I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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