Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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