he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
