she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
