Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
