I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
