don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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