I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
