I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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