i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
