I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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