he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
