Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
