Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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