at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
