I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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