Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The air taste purple.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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